A lot has happened since I last posted. Our daughter Inara arrived a few weeks early, and we finally got Sherlock, our Diabetic Alert Dog. Our family, and my life, has changed quite a bit. And it’s been a rough week. JC has been traveling for work, and even though my parents are insanely helpful (my father does things like take the trash out and walk Sherlock for me while my mom cooks us meals and takes Aiyla to her house for hours), I still feel like I’m drowning sometimes.
I don’t feel like a person, but a robot tending to little people. My body isn’t mine anymore because either someone is leaching on my boob, spitting up on me, needing to sit in my lap or be carried because God forbid mama only have to carry herself up the stairs. I think my brain cells are slowly dying, because this postpartum mush brain isn’t articulate anymore (I’ve had to retype that sentence a few times).
I’ve been told it’s ok, that it’s temporary and things will get better. To be easy on myself. But as a T1D mom, it’s not ok. It’s not ok to forget things, or not be on top of my game. I can’t forget that Aiyla needs her shot of Lantus at 8 am. I can’t sleep when my babies sleep. I can’t forget to wake up to test her 3 times a night. She’s been running low at night, and we tried lowering the Lantus to counter that, but she had two readings over 300 those days so we opted for less sleep and letting her dream feed milk to keep her stable instead of risking the extreme highs. It’s not ok to forget when her Lantus is going to kick in and that she needs to eat before her nap. It’s not ok to forget to order her special diluted Humalog that has to be picked up from the hospital every month (crap, I had to stop typing and call the pharmacist).
It’s not ok that I have to blink back tears as my daughter hides to eat high carb food she’s gotten a hold of. It’s not ok that she looks so guilty and scared when my mom finds her in a corner eating some corn on the cob. It’s not ok that she has to cry and plead about how she doesn’t want a shot. It’s not ok that my daughter’s blood is on my hands everyday as I test her a minimum of 10 times a day. It’s not ok that her blood is always on her bed sheets from all the night time tests. It’s not ok that I have to go against my mama instinct to feed my child and withhold food from her.
I know that having T1D isn’t the worst thing in the world, because I’ve lived with it for over 20 years. It gets easier. It gets so you can forget for parts of the day. I know that things are getting better, and research is improving our quality of life every day. I know anything and everything you could ever tell me about living Diabetes. I’ve dealt with all of it. But we’re always trying to catch up. Catching up to that high before it gets out of control, catching that low before its too late, catching those carbs before they affect her blood sugars. Catching up to our failing pancreas’. And when you’re a tiny kid, it sure as hell isn’t fair to feel like you’re being punished for something you have no control over.
Add in the fact that my postpartum hormones are driving my own blood sugars out of whack, and it just hasn’t been one of those weeks where I can forget about Diabetes. And no, it’s not ok.
On that note, here’s a kind of diabetes friendly recipe. It’s portion controlled so you don’t eat too many, and the sugar the original recipe calls for doesn’t affect the texture, meaning its safe to use replacements (always use less sweetener than sugar). I find that coconut sugar doesn’t wreak havoc on our blood sugars as much. It looks like a lot of steps, but it’s a really easy recipe as long as you have the foresight to remember it needs to be refrigerated before baking.
- 2 sticks (16 tbsp) unsalted butter, at room temperature
- ¼ cup sugar
- ¼ cup coconut sugar
- ¼ cup swerve or your choice of sugar replacement
- ½ tsp salt
- 2 large egg yolks, at room temperature
- 2 cups flour
- 2 tbsp lavender
- Working with a stand mixer fitted with a paddle attachment, beat the butter at medium speed until smooth and creamy.
- Add the sugar, sugar replacement and salt and beat until well blended, about 1 minute. The mixture should be smooth and velvety, not fluffy and airy.
- Reduce the mixer speed to low and beat in egg yolks, again beating until the mixture is well blended.
- Turn off the mixer. Pour in the flour, drape a kitchen towel over the stand mixer to protect yourself and your counter.
- Pulse the mixture at low speed about 5 times, a second or two each time. If there is still a lot of flour on the surface of the dough, pulse a few more times (you want to work the dough as little as possible).
- Remove towel, add lavender and at low speed mix for about 30 seconds, just until the flour disappears into the dough and it looks uniformly moist. The dough will not clean the sides of the bowl, and it also won't come together in a ball. You want it to be soft, moist and clumpy (like Playdough).
- Scrape the dough onto a smooth work surface, gather into a ball and divide into half.
- Shape each piece into a smooth log about 9 inches long, its easiest to work on a piece of plastic wrap and use the plastic to help shape the log.Wrap the logs well and refrigerate for at least 3 hours. I prefer overnight for all my cookies.
- Center a rack in the oven and preheat to 350 and line your baking sheets with silicone mats or parchment.
- Remove a log from the fridge, unwrap it and place it on a piece of parchment or wax paper. Slice the log into ⅓-inch thick cookies.
- Place the rounds on the baking sheets, leaving an inch between your cookies.
- Bake one sheet at a time for 17-20 minutes, rotating midway. They should be light brown on the bottom, lightly golden on the edges and pale on top. Let the cookies rest for 2 minutes before removing them from the sheets to cool.