Mommy-hood is hard. I don’t mean hard because you’re always tired, or have so many diapers to change or spend forever putting the little one to sleep. I mean the bigger picture, having to second-guess every decision, wondering if you’re cut out for this parenting thing.
I had to take Aiyla for her 2 month check-up, which means she was also due for her shots. I spent forever talking to the doctor through all the different vaccinations they suggest, why they were a risk and why they were necessary all together, etc. I don’t like the idea of stuffing my baby with a bunch of vaccinations, especially if there are alternatives. After talking it through with her and changing my mind a couple of times at the office, the nurse came in with these awfully big needles in comparison to the tiny little thighs she wanted to stick them into. I held Aiyla and started crying when her whole body jerked in surprise with the first jab, and then bawled for what felt like forever.
I felt like an awful mama that LET someone hurt her. And it would have been ok if I felt super confident in it being totally necessary and this being the only way it should be done. But I’m not. I can’t help but relive the experience and keep seeing Aiyla’s face all scrunched up with eyes watering with hints of her first tears. Should I have chosen to give her less or more vaccines, should I have spread them out differently to reduce the number of pokes she got this time, should I have nursed her while she got them (her pediatrician said not to although that was fully my intention going in), should I have asked for a different, nicer looking nurse with a super light hand?
I literally couldn’t sleep. It was so bad I actually woke my husband up in the middle of the night after tossing and turning. He let me cry it out in his arms and listened to me sob about how I felt like I didn’t do enough research and could have made it easier for her and doubted the decisions I had made. Which means A LOT for him, because he is a man who needs his sleep.
I still don’t know if I made the right decisions, or if I should have done anything differently. And what scares me is that I am going to feel like this A LOT. I thought I was really good about doing my research and being confident in my decisions for most things parenting related. I am sure I want to make my own fresh, organic baby food when the time comes. I’m sure that I love baby wearing and breastfeeding. I am sure that I want to travel with her starting from a young age.
I am sure that I want her to get vaccinated. I’m just not sure about which ones, when or how. Is it because there’s so much hype about it nowadays? Is it because I live in Southern California, with a really strong anti-vaccination movement (we’re not going to Disneyland till she’s had her MMR shots.)
It’s hard not knowing for sure what the right thing to do is. It makes you need to do something where you know what the results will be. Like mix a certain amount of butter and sugar and eggs to make yummy cookies. Because chewy cookies makes everything better.
- 2 cups all-purpose flour
- ½ tsp baking soda
- ½ tsp salt
- ¾ cup unsalted butter, melted and slightly cooled
- 1 cup packed brown sugar
- ½ cup white sugar
- 1 tbsp vanilla extract
- 1 egg
- 1 egg yolk
- 2 cups m&ms
- Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C). Line cookie sheets with parchment paper.
- Sift together the flour, baking soda and salt; set aside.
- In a medium bowl, cream together the melted butter, brown sugar and white sugar until well blended. Beat in the vanilla, egg, and egg yolk until light and creamy. Mix in the sifted ingredients until just blended. Stir in the m&ms by hand using a wooden spoon. If your butter was still hot when you added it your dough may be really wet at this point. Let it rest at room temperature for a couple of minutes if this is the case and then it will be cool enough to scoop into cookies.
- Use a cookie scoop to form balls of dough. Bake until cookies are light golden brown on outer edges (approximately 11-14 minutes). Do not overbake.